My partner suggested yesterday that I pop over on my own to see my parents on saturday for a couple of hours. My stomach caught and I felt my shoulder muscles tense. A small wave of panic jolted me.
You can ask me why I felt like this. But you know what; I wouldn't be able to give you a sensical sounding answer. Truth is, I'm not sure. And I certainly didn't stay with the feeling for more than all of 1 minute. I am still searching for the definitive 100% answer as to why I react like this. (You see, I am a mathematical / analyst type who likes to figure everything out on a cognitive level first and foremost. But not all answers lie their eh?)
Suffice to say, no way. Not on my own. Not 2 on 1. Better 2 on 2. My partner is one of the best communicators I know. That's great. I can keep my head down and let her do all the talking and interacting. I can pretend to be tired and fall asleep in the chair. I work so hard you know!!!!
Friday, June 8
No way...
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11 comments:
Hi. I know that feeling. I don't put up with my mother anymore. You don't have to go alone if it makes you uncomfortable. Strategy is good. It allows you to take good care of yourself and respect your feelings.
As Oliver James says, 'Parents, they fuck you up'
Thing with parents is they don't concsiously mean to, which is the sad bit.
And although i can totally identify why anyone can feel like that - anyone for two alcoholic parents?
Now they are both dead I wish just sometimes I'd not been so quick to be pissed off with them.
But hey if I knew then what I know now, i wouldn't have had to pay so much for therapy!!!
ppx
Hi Lynn - thanks for your comment.
I'm definitely working on a strategy and on respecting my feelings. Hard though. I'm someone who likes to play rescue and end up losing myself in it all. And of course I don't do feelings!
Hi pixie.
I agree; I don't think most parents set out to fuck up their kids. Most of their fuck ups are probably a product of how they were fucked up themselves as kids. Mine are getting old and the last thing I want to feel is guilty when they die about being pissed of with them when they were alive. They do sure sense my pissed-off-idness at some level; even though I try to hide it.
Question for you... I am not a mum and will never be. But I am intrigued, knowing what you do about how parents fuck up. How are you a different mum?
Thanks for your comment.
Kx.
OH lovely question and I'll answer it later if I may. As just about to spend time with my mate.
Also wanted to say sorry about potentially nasty comment on my site, need to stop being angry today:)
px
No offense taken as i don't see it as a nasty comment. Love the banter.
Look forward to your answer to my quessie.
K.
Basically I'm not different.
Except as a therapist I believe strongly that we are all responsible for our selves.
So i have brought up my sons to understand that all our behaviour impacts on others.And as such have always been open and honest about my feelings and encouraged them to do the same. Not always easy, but hey...
Plus all the anger is addressed towards their father who is a complete dick. When they can be bothered to think about it.Which isn't often any more.
And getting cancer is really great for making people around you value you!!
So ultimately what K&A have had is knowledge that i love them above everything else and will apologise when I get it wrong.
Marks out of ten for my answer please!!
Plus I'm intrigued as to why you'll never be a mum....
WHAT?????
11.5/10 !!
I'm guessing the most important thing is open and honest communication; "authenticity" as you therapists would say!
Why I will never be a mum:
1. I can honestly say that I have never had any desire to be a mum. No particular reason. Never given it much thought beyond a 5 min conversation with my partner. (who feels the same way as me.)
2. I am gay. So it would have to be a turkey baster job which isn't a very romantic way of conceiving. Would also need a sperm donor of course!
3. My partner has had a hysterectomy so I would have to be the one to be pregnant. Doesn't appeal. Plus I would stand a high chance of my Crohn's returning if pregnant, or so I was told as a teenager.
4. We have our child substitutes of 2 dogs who we love so much.
5. I am 39 (though these days that means nothing; I guess I have a few more years of fertility left in me if we change our minds.)
To me it sounds like a good decision not to go.
Instead of 2 on 2 why not make it half a dozen on 2.
Or should that be the other way around?
Anyway, take a bunch of friends?
Good post
Graffiti
OOOH good marks, thanks.
Just another thought. I won't know if I've got it right till my sons have established themselves in their lives and want to come and see me!!!
Your honesty was wonderful, feel a bit guilty for asking the question. But not enough not to have appreciated the answer.
What is graffiti on about , lost me???
Please don't feel guilty. I'm almost always happy to give an honest answer. If not, I'd just ignore the question! Choice is a wonderful thing. As is the anominity of having a blog name!
Graffiti is referring to my original post but got his numbers the wrong way round. Or maybe had had a few drinks like when I left a comment on his blog. (Way too much Bacardi.) Anyway, he said 'good post' so I feel mighty tall for that compliment from him!
Anyway, got to do a presentation for work tomorrow. Will write a new post tonight so this one falls down the page a bit!
K.
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